Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row

HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim T…

Alexa accidentally transmits laughter from Amazon HQ to users

SEATTLE – Reports from multiple users that Alexa devices are randomly emitting laughter have been traced to a live microphone in the data harvesting centre of Amazon’s Seattle headquarters.…

Recently tenured prof glad he doesn’t have to close door when he shits anymore

TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on. “As a new …

Women’s child-bearing hips too wide to fit in voting booth, say men

An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. January 31st, 1916 WINNIPEG – Despite desperate pleas regarding hip …

Known creep posts ‘Happy International Women’s Day’ status on Facebook

MILTON, ON – Presenting a progressive public image, local creep Bruce Jamieson, 28, a man who has a noted history of ignoring consent and sexual misconduct, posted a Facebook status today t…

Proving economists at your uncle’s house right, Ontario’s minimum wage hike has completely destroyed the economy

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

Just a heads up to treat your adopted cousins the same as your normal cousins

By: Aunt Pam Greetings Tompkins Family! I know there’s no big gathering coming any time soon but I felt compelled to write to you all to remind you of something that’s been bothering me for a whi…

Poll: 70% of Canadians just happy Trump only threatening a trade war at this point

OTTAWA – A new poll by Angus Reid has found that the vast majority of Canadians, while upset about Trump’s proposed tariffs, are still pretty relieved he hasn’t declared actual war by now. …

Witch hunt? Mueller indicts Baba Yaga on conspiracy to eat US children

WASHINGTON – In a move that seems to support President Trump’s claim that the Russia investigation is a witch hunt, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted hag and Russian national Baba…

QUIZ: We can guess how old you are based on how many of your elementary school teachers are dead

The passage of time spares none, and the men and women responsible for your early education are no exception. See if we can guess how old you are simply by calculating how many of your elementary…