VATICAN CITY – Changing the Catholic Church’s position on capital punishment, Pope Francis has denounced the death penalty as inhumane and unacceptable in all cases, recommending instead everlasting damnation, where the soul is tormented by hideous demonic beings for all eternity.
“It goes against God’s fundamental will as sent down to Moses on Mount Sinai, ‘Thou shalt not kill,” said His Holiness in front a crowd gathered for mass, adding that a fate far worse than death awaits those who do not accept Jesus and live in His ways. “It is not up to us to determine the fates of those who trespass against us, it is our duty to forgive them, and let God’s judgement cast them into a pit of fire and brimstone where demons shall inflict merciless, incessant suffering upon them.”
“Including, but not limited to, having your insides pecked out by a swarm of birds with human faces, having your bones removed one-by-one until you’re a puddle of flesh, and, of course, being forced to eat your own butt,” he added.
Cardinal Joseph Heinz, who is also a professor of criminology, applauded the Pope’s anti-death penalty stance, believing Hell to be the “ultimate deterrent.”
“Think about it rationally: If you were about to commit a serious crime, what is more likely to stop you?” asked Cardinal Heinz. “The belief that you might be put to death by the state if you get caught? Or the belief that, because your action were seen by an omnipotent and omniscient God, you will spend an infinite number of lifetimes having your skin peeled with rusty blades, your eyeballs charred with hot pokers and all while listen to the sinful music of the Village People without end.”
Sources inside the Vatican say that anyone who has, or is about to commit, a crime but is looking to avoid damnation, should consult their local Catholic priest.
This is just one of the many increasingly progressive moves that the Papacy has made in recent years, including instituting casual Good Fridays at the Vatican and allowing atheists to bring their dogs into heaven if they were “good boys.”
At press time, women were still not allowed to become priests.