New Jordan Peterson book asserts all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

TORONTO – Former University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson, known best for lionizing patriarchal structure, denouncing the existence of white privilege, and refusing to use gender neu…

Friends beginning to suspect Dave’s ironic moustache actually sincere

VANCOUVER – In what has become a developing story, Dave Parson’s friends and family have slowly come to the realization that his self-described ironic moustache may, in fact, be completely sincer…

Local woman aroused by telling people she’s off dairy

MONTREAL – Local woman Sara Cloutier’s decision to spread the word about cutting dairy products from her diet produced an unexpected but pleasurable sensation in her body over the weekend. When r…

Netanyahu: Gaza border protesters were attempting to acquire pebbles of mass destruction

JERUSALEM – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he has definitive proof that Gaza protesters were attempting to acquire pebbles of mass destruction, which justified…

Toronto’s hippest ice cream shop features ice cream you eat in bed while crying

TORONTO – The summer’s newest ice cream trend finally allows customers to be their truest selves. Check out Kensington Market’s new ice cream shop, “Dry Your Ice”, featuring ice cream that …

Women assaulted by Patrick Brown not offered book deal

TORONTO – In the wake of Patrick Brown announcing his lucrative book deal to write about the scandal that brought him down, the multiple women who were assaulted by Brown have announced the…

Scientists discover renewable energy source in mediocre white men’s confidence

VANCOUVER, BC – Hundreds of years of privilege has transformed white male confidence into a pure, clean burning source of fuel, according to a study published by the University of British C…

Environmentally conscious daredevil risks it all by purchasing one fewer grocery bag

KINGSTON — Stunning fellow customers and cashiers alike with his nerves of steel, local adrenaline junkie Todd Foster struck a blow for the environment this Thursday by only asking for 4 gr…

Vegas Knights begin playoff tradition of throwing drunk bachelor party onto ice

LAS VEGAS – In an effort to start a playoff ritual on home ice for the team’s inaugural season, Las Vegas Golden Knights fans have tossed a heavily intoxicated bachelor party onto the ice d…

6 Life Hacks that are just paying someone else to do it for you

Modern life can be so hectic, it seems like there is never enough time to get things done. To help out we’ve put together this super helpful list of sneaky tricks to maximize your time and minimi…