VANCOUVER – John Sullivan, the man you are currently chatting with at a mutual friend’s party, has already completely forgotten the awesome movie you recommended he watch, despite the fact that he jus...
Intellectual instantly creates opinion from headline
THE INTERNET – Not letting irrelevant distractions like nuanced reporting or context interfere, a local free thinker on Twitter was able to demonstrate superior intellectual ability today by for...
Conservatives vow to cut $2.2 billion of foreign aid to Middle-earth
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer further outlined his foreign aid policies by announcing a $2.2 billion cut to Middle-earth, roughly 25% of Canada’s foreign assistance to other countri...
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
YELLOWKNIFE – Polls indicate that a majority of Canadians would accept the results of today’s legislative election in NWT if it replaced the federal vote later this month. 87% of exhausted Canad...
Queen announces ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ so done
LONDON – The iconic British poster exhorting citizens to ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ has reached its 2,000,000th recorded parodic variation, prompting Queen Elizabeth II to prohibit any more use of...
Hamilton pleads for political demonstrators to save their violence for a Ti-Cats game
HAMILTON, ON – After a scuffle and screaming match in Hamilton yesterday, community leaders have asked local political demonstrators to reserve their hate and transgressions for a Tiger-Cats gam...
Trendy sex store introduces ketogenic edible underwear
DIDSBURY, AB – A local sex shop is updating its inventory in an effort to meet the demands of modern lifestyle trends. Melanie Ortassia, manager of the popular adult store “Sex, Drugs, and Cock ...
Andrew Scheer quickly deletes “Prime Minister” from resume
TORONTO – Hoping no one has yet noticed the exaggeration on his resume, Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer has quickly deleted details outlining that he was Prime Minister from 2006 until 2015. S...
Study: An increasing number of men playing dead to avoid “What are we” conversation
TORONTO – In a survey of the nation’s still single male population, a new study published today states that more men are opting to play dead than participate in a meaningful discussion on the pa...
Communist Party candidate forced to resign after photos reveal him reading Ayn Rand
OTTAWA – A Communist Party of Canada candidate was forced to resign after photos were released of him reading Atlas Shrugged as a university student. Fred Buck, a candidate for the Ottawa riding...
