Team of Mascots arrive from the future to kill Gritty before he gets too powerful

PHILADELPHIA – Mayhem broke out at the Wells Fargo Center this evening, when a Flyers practice was interrupted as an interdimensional portal opened up with several grizzled looking NHL masc…

Ontario Healthcare system cuts budget by using Flintstones chewable vitamins for everything

TORONTO – Ontario Hospitals and Pharmacies formally announced their plans to cut costs and benefit the taxpayer by switching all medicines and therapies to Flintstones chewable vitamins. “T…

7 Millennial job-hunting strategies that aren’t just lying down and waiting for death to take you

The job market sure is depressing these days – from growing automation, to the gig economy, to the inevitable climate change apocalypse that will render everything you do meaningless anyway. But …

Last person to use Toronto’s Union Station pre-construction dies of old age

TORONTO – Florence Green, the last person in the world to travel through Toronto’s Union Station before the renovation began, has died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 112. “Our belove…

Yes, nauseous woman is sure she’s not pregnant

TORONTO – In a revelation that shocked many of her male friends and coworkers yesterday, 30-year-old Lisa Rogers assured anyone who would listen that the nausea she was experiencing was due…

Parents trying to decipher alternative school’s crystal-based report cards

VANCOUVER – Sherri and Tucker Jackson love the support and individualized learning their daughter Braylyn receives at her alternative elementary school, but they were slightly confused when…

Journalists running dangerously low on disaster metaphors to describe SNC-Lavalin affair

OTTAWA – A drought of new disaster metaphors have struck Canada’s journalists and columnists covering the high profile SNC-Lavalin affair. Dozens of reporters from The Globe and Mail, CBC, …

New study shows best place in Canada to be a woman is Kingston, worst place is Trudeau’s cabinet

KINGSTON, ON – The Canadian Centre for Policy Alternative have published their yearly rankings of the best and worst places in Canada to be a woman, with Kingston, Ontario coming in as the …

Actor Luke Perry dies at age – what? 52 years old? That can’t be right

HOLLYWOOD — Following a sudden stroke, beloved actor Luke Perry has died in hospital at the age of, huh, 52, okay there is no damn way that Dylan McKay was 52 years old. Known worldwide for…

Man with unpopular opinion deploys new tactic of yelling a bit louder

Mississauga, ON – In the throes of a heated argument at a birthday brunch, local man Dennis Richardson found his ignorant, ill-formed, and unpopular opinions were not being given the proper…