UN charity asks world to donate cell phone data to needy Canadians
NEW YORK – The UN General Assembly has approved a new development fund, which is calling upon countries to donate their cell phone data to a needy Canadian. “The United Nations Data Relief …
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate a Vancouver Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it. Thomas Sinclair of Port Moody has not made a single comment to his friends or family about his team…
Despondent CNE fans lower sticks of deep-fried butter to half-mast
TORONTO – Yesterday, thousands of distraught fans of the Canadian National Exhibition took a moment out of their day to lower their sticks of deep-fried butter out of respect for the cancel…
Colony of mask pimples enter industrial revolution
KINGSTON- Anthropologists were left stunned last week as the colony of mask pimples they had been monitoring advanced past the agrarian stage and entered their own industrial revolution. “It’s re…
Trudeau planning fall election after determining Canadians haven’t suffered enough this year
OTTAWA – The Liberals are set to announce a fall election after determining these past 18 months hasn’t been quite painful enough for Canadians. “Sure there’s been a pandemic, economic cras…
Canada’s top BDSM doctor says wear a mask, leash, tight leather to prevent spread of COVID-19
OTTAWA – Canada’s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks, leashes, tight leather, and other items to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone sh…
Impatient sous chef pre shakes water for it to boil faster
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Local sous chef, Darryl Donwyn, recently shook a pot of water to make it boil faster at restaurant Le Lentement. “He still has a lot to learn,” said head chef Saffron Me…
“I want to go to grad school” recognized as a cry for help by the W.H.O.
LONDON, ON- After years of examining the connections between sanity and higher education, chief scientists at the World Health Organization have declared the act of attending grad school an indic…
Toronto Police allowed to turn off body cams if they are planning a surprise party
TORONTO – The Toronto Police recently unveiled their new body cameras which will record every interaction officers have with the public unless the officer involved is in the middle of plann…
