CALGARY – Local shower avoider Heath Gerry is adamant in his refusal to put his face near a woman’s genitalia despite being an eye watering risk to public health himself.
“I just think it’s disgusting, like eating raw deer meat. I mean, I assume it is, I haven’t tried either one,” says Gerry, who has had the police burst into his apartment five times in the last ten years because his neighbours kept reporting what they assumed was the stench of death.
Jenny Chultz, an ex-girlfriend of the reluctant bather, is not surprised to hear such opinions come from a man who once developed a skin condition from wearing the same pair of underwear for a month. “The first time we hooked up he told me that he wouldn’t give me oral because ‘women smell like fish.’ Meanwhile, he uses the oil from a can of sardines to treat his dry skin because ‘it’s free.'”
Gerry, who was recently issued a closure order by the Alberta Health Department, had this to say in his defence: “Hey, do you got any beef jerky? I need to scratch my ass.”
An in-depth investigation into Mr. Gerry’s private life has found him to always inexplicably have a smart, sexy girlfriend. Scientists are baffled.