BARRIE, ON – In the wake of soaring COVID-19 deaths of patients of long-term care facilities, industry leaders have announced they will remove the words “long” and “care” in order to clear …
John Tory finally captures arch nemesis – man who built shelters for homeless
TORONTO – Following years of cat-and-mouse rivalry and a pitched battle on the rooftop of City Hall, Mayor John Tory has finally brought to justice his arch rival – Khaleel Seivwright…
Jonathan Kay pretty sure cancel culture to blame for him using dog shampoo
TORONTO – After his tweet about mistakenly using dog shampoo for several months went viral, Canadian journalist Jonathan Kay has been hard at work explaining how exactly “the cancel culture…
Ford confident dead Ontarians would’ve been much happier seeing COVID funding used to balance his budget
QUEEN’S PARK – With Ontario sitting on $6.4 billion in unallocated pandemic-relief funds, more than any other province, Premier Doug Ford assured Ontarians that using those funds to balance…
Jason Kenney thanks Biden for giving him new thing to blame all of Alberta’s economic woes on
EDMONTON – Following incoming President Joe Biden’s decision to scrap approvals for the Keystone XL pipeline, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney called Biden to personally thank him for “basicall…
Report: Trump still trying to get Biden to touch ‘Freaky Friday’ amulet
WASHINGTON D.C. – As Joe Biden is officially sworn in as the 46th president of the United States, insiders report that former president Trump is currently hiding in the White House hoping t…
Ford exempts large US retailers from lockdown, but encourages Ontarians to “blame locally”
QUEEN’S PARK – While refusing to consider paid sick leave or lockdown restrictions on US retailers like WalMart and Costco to COVID, Ontario Premier Doug Ford encouraged Ontarians to contin…
Trump spends weekend just fucking unloading on Tumblr
WASHINGTON D.C. – After getting himself permanently banned from social media sites including Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, President Donald J. Trump reportedly spent the entire weekend …
Sony pulls broken, glitching Cyberpunk 2077 game, rebrands it as Cyberpunk 2020
SAN MATEO, CA – Following reports that its newly-released Cyberpunk 2077 game has been riddled with release problems and frustrating glitches, Sony has pulled the game from its online store…
Canada extends U.S. border closure to totally arbitrary date of January 21
OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st, “a date with no specific significance whatsoever.” “We would li…
