QUEEN’S PARK – Doug Ford’s office says the premier will suspend his campaign activities to self-isolate at home following accidental exposure to a journalist’s question.
“The scariest part of all this,” said one Ford staffer/ campaign aide, “is that the question didn’t even come from someone in the premier’s approved friend bubble, like the Toronto Sun or CP24. It was a close contact from some rando who wanted actual answers”
The exposure came in the form of an airborne question from independent journalist Isaac Marsh, who approached the premier following a campaign photo op at a manufacturing plant in Kitchener.
“All of a sudden this unapproved stranger enters the premier’s personal bubble, trying to ask some nonsense about ‘long term care deaths, blah blah blah’,” the aide recounted. “As you can imagine, we ushered him out of there, and quarantined immediately. Premier Ford has several pre-existing comorbidities that make him especially susceptible to direct questioning.”
Campaign insiders report that the journalist’s question was part of an aggressive new strain of “people wanting to ask the premier about his record”, which is sweeping through Ontario. While this strain could prove very harmful to Ford’s natural immune system, they hope to soon develop a booster for it.
The Ford Campaign has also assured supporters it will review health and safety protocols, to ensure that potentially harmful journalism is filtered out entirely. “We’ve done our best to maintain an airtight question-free bubble around the premier, but even with the strictest safety measures some are bound to slip through,” explained a spokesperson.
The campaign reports that the Premier has not shown any worrying symptoms following exposure to the harmful question, but will be opting for self quarantine measures out of an abundance of caution.
“Folks, as you all know, yesterday I was exposed to a toxic, potentially lethal question while campaigning,” explained Premier Ford in a taped message. “That is why I will be suspending all campaigning, as well as all duties as premier, for the next 5 days while I isolate at a medically-secure facility, conveniently located at my cottage in the Muskokas.”
Asked whether the Ford Team is concerned about the health of the premier’s campaign is he is unable to campaign, they responded “if anything, this helps his prognosis. Trust us.”
As the premier steps back from campaigning to self-isolate, his NDP and Liberal opponents have generously offered to continue relentlessly attacking each other so that Ford’s campaign doesn’t lose its commanding polling lead.
