LONDON — At a press conference today, singer Ed Sheeran announced that, despite all of his previously scheduled opening acts quitting over his firing Macklemore, his tour will continue as scheduled, with Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doing a beatboxing set.
“I’m appalled by the conflict between Israel and Palestine,” Sheeran said as Netanyahu did vocal exercises behind him. “There are too many wars across the world causing immeasurable pain, none of which should be tolerated. The best thing we can do to heal the deep divides so pervasive in our world is to boogie to unbelievable rhythms my man Bibi can generate using nothing but his mouth and a microphone.”
Representatives of Netanyahu, who goes by the stage name B.B.Beats, revealed that the Israeli prime minister has been a huge fan of hiphop since he first heard it while working at the Israeli embassy in Washington, DC in 1982. While he’s proficient in breakdancing and turntablism, Netanyahu developed such an affinity for beatboxing that he’s referred to it as the passion of his life, surpassed only by ethnic cleansing.
While the announcement has been met with derision from human rights groups, the new tour line-up has been praised by beatboxing aficionados, genocide enthusiasts, and billionaire owners of football stadiums.
Sheeran is planning to bring Netanyahu back out for the show’s encore, where they will sing a duet acoustic version of ‘Shape Of You.’
Sheeran’s tour will mostly proceed as scheduled, although the itinerary will be rerouted to avoid countries where Netanyahu is slated to be arrested and remanded to the Hague for crimes against humanity.
