OAKVILLE, ON – On Saturday at Coronation Park, onlookers were perplexed to see a small child quietly immersed in a device that wasn’t a phone or a tablet.
“What is that?” questioned Nadia Marchese, as she stared at the paper contraption the young boy was holding. “Some kind of old-timey iPad?”
“I once saw a kid with one of those on Little House on the Prairie!” exclaimed Emilie Hart.
“I’ve never seen a preschooler sitting down quietly without that glazed-over look in their eyes,” said Marc Price. “Since he wasn’t holding a screen, I just figured he was medicated.”
Many theorized that the family was from a nearby Amish or Mennonite community, as they were also observed sharing homemade granola bars and milk, instead of the usual kid staples Pop Rocks and Monster Energy drinks.
However upon investigation, it was confirmed that the three-year-old was simply a well-adjusted child from a wholesome family who enjoyed reading books about Elmo.
While most park-goers were delighted to witness the rare scene, some were critical:
“It’s not right,” said Melanie Dubois. “We can’t keep kids stuck in the dark ages. How’s he supposed to play Roblox or become a Twitch streamer if his parents won’t give him unrestricted internet access? Not to brag, but my kids were creating Discord servers before they could talk!”
“Everyone knows Elmo books are a gateway read to real corruption, like Thomas the Train, Llama Llama, and that stoner Pete the Cat,” said Evan Kuling. “My kids are better off with their brain rot algorithms, where they can watch wholesome content like that AI fruit family.”
“I worry about the child’s socialization,” said Mallory Dorran. “At his impressionable age, he should be part of at least four online subcultures by now. Sad!”
Child development expert Dr. Peter Gates cautions that exposing children to books can have lifelong effects, “You’re looking at enhanced cognitive abilities, sharper emotional regulation skills, and most concerningly kids wanting to spend time engaging with caregivers,” says Gates. “Parents need to know the facts and decide for themselves if it’s worth it.”
