CAMROSE, AB – Speaking to a rally in the closing days of this summer’s by-election, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre assured voters that electing him would ensure that they would never risk running into him in their riding ever again.
“Look, you voters and I both want the same thing: for me to be elected back into Parliament, so I can get the hell out of this backwater hillbilly wasteland for good and never look back,” explained Poilievre following a 40-minute lecture about how Canada is a failed woke marxist state.
He then added, “But if you DON’T vote for me, then I’ll get dropped as Conservative leader, and possibly get stuck in your riding permanently. And then we’ll BOTH be miserable, which is a campaign promise I actually plan on keeping.”
If elected, Poilievre promised to do absolutely no constituent work, never again visit his local riding office, and immediately forget the geographical location of Battle River-Crowfoot the moment his plane touches down at Ottawa International.
Poilievre went on to list all the reasons that voters could expect him to remain permanently in Ottawa and never again visit Battle River-Crowfoot, including their lack of high-end sushi restaurants, non-existent nightlife, and the fact that cows “weird him out”.
“Plus nobody here in Hicksville ever wants to talk with me about crypto,” Poilievre lamented. “Do you yokels even have broadband?”
The Conservative leader assured Battle River-Crowfoot voters that he sees them “solely as a means to an end”, and that that end is him “never spending another minute this far away from a Starbucks.”
Several local residents weighed Poilievre’s offer. “I was gonna vote for Bonnie Critchley since she can actually find this riding on a map,” says Dylan MacKelroy of Drumheller. “But now I’m scared that I’ll keep seeing a broken Pierre wandering the highways. I guess he’s got my vote.”
“As hilarious as it’d be to see him lose again, I don’t wanna run into that guy at down the Freson Bros,” explained Melinda Weekes, of Hanna.
Back at the rally, Poilievre closed with a strong “get me the hell out of here” message.
“Mark my words – me losing and getting exiled to Battle River-Crowfoot would be just like Schitt’s Creek, except nobody will be laughing!”
