QUÉBEC CITY, QC – Authorities are devastated to report that Bonhomme Carnaval, beloved snowman and symbol of Québécois pride, was beheaded at a Liberal rally this week following an order from Mark Carney to keep our “elbows up”.
“He was wandering through the crowd when his enormous icy jaw caught an elbow and, OOPS, his head just popped right off”, stated a grinning rally-goer. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m devastated, but between his false smile, King Charles ears, and psycho murder eyes… maybe Bonhomme had this coming”.
“After all, ‘Elbows up’ is about pushing back against tyrannical threats to our country”, continued the rally-goer as they melted the snowy remains of Bonhomme with a hair dryer. “Why can’t those threats include creepy as fuck snowmen who have definitely killed a kid?”
Some Bloc voters, however, worry that this incident is a reminder that a united Canada is a threat to the Québécois. “Bonhomme is only the start. What other pieces of our unparalleled francophone identity is Carney going to come for?” worried spectator Richard Philipe Ste. Garnier as he blew a lungful of cigarette smoke directly into our reporter’s face and then said three slurs.
“Sugar pie? The Chateau? Destroying the spirits of Muslim students by banning hijabs in sports?! These are core to our identité,” added Ste. Garnier, as he ate one of those weird steamed hot dogs that everyone in Montreal insists are a big deal. “Threats of violence are not what Canada stands for! Unless of course we’re making them against the queer students who keep getting beat up in our schools,”
“Yup, this behaviour is a slippery slope”, summed up Garnier. “Which, coincidentally, is also the top contender to become the new mascot of the Québécois.”
Despite the pushback, Carney maintains that this aggressive “elbows up” stance is necessary to preserve our Canadian identity. “Sometimes, to fight the good fight, you need to break a few eggs,” offered Carney. “Which, as non-Americans, is something we can still afford to do.”
“Plus, if you think a PM who barely hacks his way through the French language is bad for Québec, just think about what will happen when Trump figures out you all exist”.
Bonhomme Carnaval is survived by his wife Bonfemme Carnaval, and his son from a previous marriage, Iceman from the X-Men.
