OTTAWA – After four Conservative Party candidates were dropped from the running this week due to contentious social media behaviour, many have questioned why the party still refuses to drop its most prolific candidate despite his 20-year career consisting almost entirely of controversial statements.
The conservative candidate in question is well-known for his right-wing populism, intentional divisiveness, disrespect towards anyone he doesn’t like, and pretty much nothing else. Yet he somehow still serves as a member of the Conservative Party, despite many observing that the amount of “offensive bullshit he has enthusiastically spewed over his career could fill Stornoway”.
“To be honest, I’m shocked this guy is still allowed in Parliament,” exclaimed former Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “Remember in 2008 when he said the government was wasting money on Indigenous reparations and that ‘they’ just needed to work harder? Yeesh.”
Harper added, “Even I thought that was over the line, and my favourite thing to do in office was fuck over war veterans.”
The Conservative Party has so far refused to comment on why they haven’t released this candidate back into the wilds of Calgary, Alberta, despite the fact that he has courted convoy truckers, claimed everything Justin Trudeau said about them was “bullshit,” made public anti-trans statements, and refuses to get his security clearance without any credible reason whatsoever.
“I listened to the interview that guy did with Jordan Peterson in January, and I still have nightmares about it,” stated 25-year-old bartender Marlee Thomas. “How can a man who constantly talks about women’s ‘ticking biological clocks’ and appears on podcasts with creepy anti-abortion ads on it still be in the running?”
Thomas elaborated, “I’m pretty sure if I told my coworker that she seemed ‘desperate for kids’ and that her biological clock was running out, I’d be fired, and I’m not even a 45-year-old man who looks like creepy yassified Pee-wee Herman.”
Despite the clear double standards when it comes to this candidate, Prime Minister Mark Carney recently predicted that, “Given the current polls I doubt he will be an issue for much longer, and I look forward to ignoring the inevitable angry political podcast he creates when he loses.”
