OTTAWA – Canada’s top oil producers have issued a joint statement saying government overregulation is keeping the country’s oil industry from having the same negative output as their United States equivalents.
“Did you know that America has sold 80% of Alaska to Exxon?” claimed Suncor Energy’s VP of Pollution, Janice Karlow. “Meanwhile, every time we propose to melt all the snow in the Yukon, Parliament shuts it down.”
“These Feds don’t know what it’s like to have to tell your kids they won’t get to visit you in prison, because the company’s suffering output dropped 20% this quarter.”
Canada’s oil companies have suggested other measures the federal government can implement to help them stay competitive in the global harm market, including: letting them lie more in their advertisements; dropping all requirements that they clean up their abandoned wells; and allowing them to pick one piece of sovereign land to drill a year and see if there is any oil there.
Feelings of inadequacy when compared to the American industry are nothing new to those in the energy sector. Merle McCain, an emissions amplification specialist at Irving, says he’s been jealous of the long leash his counterparts in the States have for quite a while.
“My cousin in Louisiana says they tie one woman to the train tracks a day down there,” noted McCain. “It’s kind of hard to compete with that, with all the red tape here. We actually had to let half of our Assassination Department go last week.”
“At this rate, I’ll never be corrupt enough to justify wearing a monocle unless I take that second job at Loblaws.”
Industry analyst/bribe collector Irving K. Irving from Husky, New Brunswick says that even ignoring the government meddling in oil companies’ wrongdoings, the US has always outpaced Canada when it comes to innovations in evil.
“We definitely have the resources to be as detrimental to humanity as the Americans, just not the imagination,” noted Irving. “I mean, they have stuff down there they’re calling “clean coal’? You just know every Canadian oil CEO is kicking themselves for not coming up with that trend.”
“If we were allowed to rebranded the oil sands as ‘Pristine Plains’, or all of the pools of ooze from our run-off pipes as new lakes, or poisoned fish as being high in non-essential oils, we have misery margins well on par with any US company.”
At press time, the boards of every major Canadian Oil company were pooling their funds together to see if this was the year they could buy a politician other than Danielle Smith, who keeps asking when the next cabal meeting is despite knowing she wasn’t invited.
