PARIS – Following the decision by FIFA judges to punish the Canadian women’s soccer organization for illegally surveilling their opponents’ practice, the International Olympic Committee has also awarded the two coaches gold medals in the 600m Illegal Drone Spying event.
“While we do not condone using high tech drones to spy on the practice tactics of other countries’ teams, we have to acknowledge the exceptional display by these two Canadian assistant coaches,” explained IOC spokesperson Guy LeChamblant.
While it is a relatively new sport at the Summer Olympic Games, Illegal Drone Spying has drawn huge viewership numbers from various cheats, creeps, and all-around pervs. Canada had been considered a longshot in the 600m Illegal Drone Spying category, with China having perfected their drone spying balloons and the United States being world leaders in using drones for nefarious ends since the Obama administration.
CBC Olympic reporter Devin Heroux, described the Canadian assistant coaches’ Drone Spying gold medal performance, “You can see that the Canadian drone went for excellent height and distance, as well as maximum scumminess points! Truly this is an outstandingly shameful olympic performance!”
In response to their Gold Medal drone victory, Canadian assistant coach Jasmine Mander and team analyst Joseph Lombardi responded enthusiastically.
“It is such an honour to take this medal home to Canada,” explained Mander, “and I mean take it home right now, as I’m pretty sure we’ve been barred from the entire city of Paris.”
“We would like to share this 600m Illegal Drone Spying gold with the hard working women of the Canadian Olympic soccer team,” added Lombardi as he hastily packed a suitcase, “But instead we’re gonna keep this drone spying gold medal, and leave the team with a 6-point deduction that they themselves did nothing to deserve. Oh, and we got our coach suspended too. Go Canada!”
Canada will defend their Illegal Drone Spying medal once the Russian delegation’s doping ban is lifted, and they can resume outfitting their drones with chemical weapons.
