LONDON – Staffers at Buckingham Palace are frustrated that the Royal Family will not comply with orders to return to on-site work.
“I know that we all got used to working remotely during lockdown, so it’s hard to come back to a shared workspace”, expressed Walter Florence, Human Resources Manager. “But being part of a wealthy lineage whose rule over the British Empire spans centuries doesn’t give you the right to shirk company policy.”
“William, I get it. You had an affair with your wife’s best friend and now she and the kids are secretly spending six months at Disneyland without you,” chimed in Elsie Dunshire, Chef de Cuisine and Prince Andrew’s official sweat-wiper.
“But I don’t care if Jon Stewart himself lampoons your attempt to hide your impending divorce behind bad photoshop – you can still swing by the office a few days a week!”
Staffers maintain that they have attempted to create a welcoming workspace by providing a ping pong table, Wednesday pizza lunches, and a free Meghan Markle voodoo doll to any member of the royal family who arrives in time for morning stand-up.
A representative from the Royal Family, however, argued that the family can be “successful and powerful rulers from home, thank you very much”, and added “if any of you commoners see the Crown Jewels” to please let them know because “Charles may have left them on the corgi again”.
“If you ask me? The Royal Family just doesn’t want to work anymore”, lamented Florence as he pulled Camila Parker-Bowles out of an upturned double-decker bus following her night of binge drinking and saying racist things to the tabloids.
“Which sucks because we really need them to get back to doing… wait… actually I have no fucking clue.”
At press time, Meghan Markle continued to work full time and raise her family, all without protecting a known pedophile.
