CALGARY — Patrons at the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra’s “Symphony by the River” were delighted to discover the onsite porta-potties included an opulent new feature: chemical bidets.
“Our concerts draw a sophisticated audience,” said CPO event manager Diane Milland. “The last thing they want is to have the beauty of a Schumann quartet stained by patrons having relieved themselves in anything less than the most palatial, state-of-the-art porta-potty money can buy. Particularly given the ever-present danger of splash-back.”
“Considering this, we’re more than happy to devote some of our oil and gas sponsorship money to helping our patrons leave our porta-potties with sparkling clean anuses and hoo-has.”
“This was the best outdoor concert-going experience I’ve had,” said longtime CSO subscriber Marion Sterling. “It was much easier to enjoy Brahms’ Hungarian Dances after that strong blast of Smurf-blue water straight up my keister.”
“The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive,” said Milland. “Based on their comments, we plan to take this even further, with porta-potties that include an attendant in there with the user, offering towels, cologne and little blue mints.”
“This is the first concert I’ve ever been to where going to the bathroom was more memorable than the music,” said patron Celine Devereaux. “But I can’t help but wonder where that blue fluid spritzing out of the bidet comes from. There didn’t seem to be plumbing connected to the unit, nor a separate tank. But I’m sure it’s perfectly clean.”
