CALGARY – According to local sources, 34-year-old Damien Wilkes has already completed his New Year’s resolution to draw more fanart of Sonic the Hedgehog heavy with child.
“Last year I resolved to improve my finances, but nebulous goals like that can quickly fall by the wayside,” Wilkes said. “I mean, where do you draw the line between saving for the future and enjoying the present? Resolving to increase my output of fecund cartoon hedgehogs is much more straightforward.”
Wilkes’ 2022 work already includes a watercolour of Sonic visiting a fertility clinic, a woodcut of Sonic taking prenatal supplements, and a massive triptych of Sonic being impregnated by Knuckles the Echidna, carrying his child, and giving birth after 18 gruelling hours of labour.
Wilkes intends to continue producing dozens of pieces throughout the year, including ice carvings, rock sculptures, and soundscapes capturing Sonic’s grunting efforts to expel his young. While Wilkes isn’t new to the genre, his work was interrupted by what he calls the “crass” fanart that accompanied the 2020 Sonic the Hedgehog movie.
“Suddenly everyone was drawing Jim Carrey pregnant,” Wilkes said, “and that’s not what I’m about as an artist.”
Despite the speed at which Wilkes completed his resolution, his friends and family have been critical of his accomplishments. “All I’ve been hearing is crap like ‘You’re wasting your time’ or ‘I’m pretty sure Sonic wouldn’t have that many bulging teats,’” Wilkes said. “Well I’m sorry you only made it two weeks into the year before you started drinking again, Kyle, but I’m kicking ass over here.”
“And no, this isn’t just my 2018 resolution all over again. That year I was drawing Sonic with a massive stomach because Vector the Crocodile lovingly inflated it for their mutual gratification. Being pregnant is a completely different experience, both for the artist and for Sonic himself.”
At press time, Wilkes was purchasing a large block of Corinthian marble that he intended to sculpt into a cutaway of Sonic’s protuberant womb as it gestated quadruplets fertilised by Waluigi.
