NEW YORK CITY – Cheers turned to screams today at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade when a robe malfunction resulted in the Baby Yoda balloon exposing his no-longer-private parts to thousands of onlookers present at the parade and millions of viewers watching at home.
“What possessed them to give him genitalia in the first place?” wailed one spectator. “If Baby Yoda is an alien, I wonder why they made his junk anatomically correct for a human,” pondered another.
“Baby Yoda,” the colloquial name of the character Grogu in the hit Disney+ show The Mandalorian, has been a beloved pop cultural phenomenon since the puppet appeared in the first episode of the Star Wars spinoff. Disney has not yet been reached for comment and it remains unclear who made the decision to give the balloon version of the character a four metre-long penis, a large pendulous scrotum, and a robe that fully opens to display both.
Despite the mayor’s urging for calm, the shock and disgust of the crowd quickly turned to anger and the balloon’s handlers were forced to flee for their own safety, releasing the enormous helium-filled pornographic doll to the mercies of a westerly wind.
Parade watchers in nearby apartments, subjected to a close-up and overwhelming view of the balloon’s gonads as it pressed itself against their windows and then slid away with a near-deafening squelching noise, are particularly shaken.
“This is an unmitigated disaster,” said balloon and dirigible historian Susanna Banks. “The parade has had its share of missteps, like the period from 1932 to 1937 when they filled all of the balloons with hydrogen and the resulting explosions destroyed 34th street every single year, but this was arguably far worse. We all loved that little guy.”
“I think we can all agree this kind of thing is why realism in art has always been a mistake.”
While the balloon’s current whereabouts are unknown, authorities are attempting to track the floating nightmare’s location using social media sightings and a rash of recent TikToks featuring children silently sobbing while looking up.
