TORONTO – Local man Todd Walters has made a resolution that should the COVID-19 virus force him into quarantine again, he will accomplish even less with the extra time off.
“After I went back to work, I realized I didn’t nearly squander my time as effectively as I could have.” Walters said from his shamefully clean apartment. “What was I thinking, taking that course on coding? I will never have this much time to accomplish nothing again.”
Walters is making several preparations to help him reach his inactivity goals. “I’ve stocked up on weed, signed up for every streaming service known to man, and cut out all the motivational people from my life. If wave two comes, I will be living my best/worst life!”
At the top of Walter’s to-not-do list is to fix his leaky showerhead, start a window garden, and brush his teeth regularly. If the pandemic provides him extra time to waste, Walters also plans to put off bigger projects, like figuring out his career goals.
Although the second wave of COVID-19 has yet to officially start, Walters is already preparing. “I’ve started an unproductivity journal to help me stay on track to go nowhere. It’s filled with all kinds of ways to waste time, like replaying old video games, discovering new types of porn, watching youtube videos of people playing table tennis and writing a letter to a U.S. member of congress. I’ve even got plans for wave 3 if it comes to that, although it’s mainly just hibernation from that point.”
“Todd used to be really good at not doing anything. I’m glad he’s regained his lack of focus.” Said Walter’s mother Lisa. “It’s going to be tough without crippling anxiety to help him, so I’m doing my part to help by encouraging him not to call.”
At press time, Walters was mortified to realize he had just organized his bookshelf, swearing that it would be the last time.
