OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is currently dangling local waiter Oliver Henderson over an apartment balcony, demanding repayment of all CERB funds paid to him.
“You knew you were ineligible when you applied!” screamed Trudeau as Henderson frantically tried to grab hold of the railings. “Where’s my maximum $1,000.00 per month huh? Where’s my maximum $1,000.00 per month!”
The Liberal government recently introduced legislation making clear that people who fraudulently applied for the benefit would be prosecuted, including being personally ‘Suge Knighted’ by the Prime Minister who originally told Canadians to just apply for the CERB whether they thought they were eligible or not.
“I swear, I thought I qualified. I thought I qualified!!!” screamed Henderson as Trudeau pretended he was starting to slip.
The Liberal crackdown is not limited to balcony dangling. Other people who applied for CERB improperly will be submerged in quicksand, lowered into ponds full of crocodiles, and forced to have a 15 minute conversation with Andrew Scheer.
NDP leader Jagmeet Singh was quick to condemn the Liberals’ actions.
“When this government created the CERB, no one warned Canadians that applying could lead to them being forced to play Russian Roulette where the winner gets a 4 week extension and the loser gets a bullet to the brain.”
Trudeau and his henchmen Gerald Butts and Seamus O’Reagan eventually pulled Henderson up. But not before Henderson promised to pay back the CERB, plus the government’s 19% vig.
