Hamilton, ON – After a decades long study, doctors at McMaster University’s Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine have found that to prevent the spread of bacteria and viruses you should cover your mouth when you cough you disgusting piece of shit.
“Given concerns over diseases like the Coronavirus it is important that you cover your mouth when you cough,” said lead researcher Agnes Xiao. “And apparently you need us to remind you of this because you are a human shit stain with no regard for the health of other people.”
“Yes, even if you are on a crowded subway or bus. Especially then. What the fuck?!” she added.
The study compared a group that got coughed on and a control group that didn’t get coughed on. The group that got coughed on were 70% more likely to get sick and also just felt gross and like their personal space had been invaded. Though not technically participants it also concluded that 100% people who cough on other human beings deserve to die alone.
“I’ve been a participant in a few medical trials and this one was by far the grossest,” stated a participant only identified as Patient 234. “And I once did study that involved a procedure called fecal matter transplant.”
Other signs that someone is a “uncovered cougher” included listening to loud music without headphones, driving a BMW, manspreading and frequently saying “just to play devil’s advocate here…”
Despite the study’s findings many patients are refusing to cover their mouth when they cough, until a broader study is released and they somehow develop basic hygiene. Those assholes.
Doctors are also recommending that you thoroughly wash your hands because apparently you weren’t already you fucking fuck. Seriously what’s wrong with you?
