THE HEAVENS – The world’s major religious deities have mutually agreed to give up on human beings and start fresh with a new species.
Citing current international atrocities and a long history of “ungodly” behavior among humans, the hundreds of deities that took part in the decision said they were currently looking at “new options.”
“We all sat down and decided that if we want to keep our sanity we should just start with a blank slate, and pick a different species,” said spokesperson Inanna, Sumerian goddess of sexual love, fertility, and warfare. “Ideally we’ll choose one that isn’t so inclined to develop interests in things like rape, Honey Boo Boo, and video games where the sole objective is to obliterate other members of the same species.”
“We wish humans the best and we all tend to think that they’d be better off without us anyway.”
During the meeting, the deities deliberated on trying their luck with another sentient species, but many felt it was too ambitious to try again with anything other than a single celled organism for the time being.
“We just don’t want to get bogged down in the complexities of consciousness and it might make more sense, at least until we get the hang of things, to focus on something really simple,” explained Hindu god, Brahmā.
“I agree,” added YHWH. “This whole free will thing is nothing but trouble. We need a species that isn’t going to bicker over our clearly laid out instructions for thousands of years, only to choose not to follow them anyway.”
“In the beginning, we were all new at this, and we all thought it would be a lark to fashion a species from our likeness but without the special powers,” Buddha explained. “That has failed, however, because all humans seem to want is more power.”
The deities also dismissed the idea of giving some humans superpowers as a means of “pacifying” their desires on the grounds that YHWH had already done that to one of them, and the other humans had nailed him up on a plank of wood to die a slow agonizing death.
“What if we tried focusing on lemurs?” said Ah Peku, Mayan god of thunder, at one point during the discussion.
“Lemurs?” asked Caishen, Chinese god of business and prosperity. “Why not?” replied Zoroastrian god of illuminating wisdom Ahura Mazda, before Greek sea god Glaucus told them to “move things along.”
The move to abandon humans to their own devices comes as a surprise to many, but behavioural experts have been noting for some time that, while well-intentioned, most deities have played a large part in allowing human corruption to thrive through enabling bad behaviour.
“I’ve really dropped the ball the most on that enabling,” said the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. “What can I say? These are my kids. I’m just big into giving people second chances.”
