OTTAWA — Conservative Leadership candidate Kellie Leitch has released her list of “Canadian values test” questions, which she promises will catch terrorists provided they never, ever tell a lie.
“This test will ask the hard questions,” Leitch promised in an e-mail distributed exclusively to Rebel Media’s subscribers. “Questions such as ‘Are men and women equal’. Then, based on their answers which we will no choice but to take at face value, we will know if they support Canadian values.”
“Provided terrorists never develop the capability to lie to simple yes or no questions, we will keep Canada safe again,” Leitch added.
The Leitch campaign also outlined several scenarios where immigrants to Canada might self-incriminate and fail the values test, such as:
- A terrorist who hates the west almost as much as he hates telling a lie.
- A terrorist who accidentally gets very drunk immediately before taking the Canadian Values Test.
- A terrorist who answers “Yes, I am a terrorist”, then immediately asks to change his answer.
- Maybe the terrorist has a noticeably bad poker tell when lying (sweating, hiccups, etc)
- A terrorist who has that same “have to tell the truth” curse that Jim Carrey had in Liar Liar.
When questioned whether publicizing the Canadian Values Test questions would give terrorists an advantage when coming up with false answers, Leitch answered, “Oh no. I have to go!”
In an appeal to islamophobic geeks, Leitch also announced that the Canadian Values Test would look just the “Voight-Kampff” test from Blade Runner.
