WASHINGTON D.C. – Immediately after being confirmed as Secretary of Education in an extremely close Senate vote, Betsy DeVos spoke to the media and promised to secure her General Educational Development (GED) certificate by the time she starts work on Monday.
“I’ve been meaning to get that dang thing ever since I flunked Junior Year for the second time,” said DeVos. “But I think being made the senior official in charge of public education throughout the nation was just the kick in the pants I needed.”
DeVos was only confirmed after Vice President Mike Pence broke a 50-50 Senate deadlock in her favour. She has been President Trump’s most controversial cabinet appointment due to her endorsement of charter schools, support of firearms in classrooms, and inability to complete her multiplication tables.
“I’m fine for a bit but once I get to 7 X 8 or 9 X 6 my head gets real fuzzy,” admitted DeVos at her recent confirmation hearing.
However she has promised to spend the next few days cramming in order to pass all four of the subjects needed to show she has American high school level academic skills.
“I am confident that Secretary DeVos will make an excellent Education Secretary,” said Pence after his deciding vote. “Her own education level matters less to this administration than the fact that she will stop turning American kids gay like all her predecessors.”
At press time DeVos was claiming that a nearby Grizzly Bear had eaten her homework.
