VICTORIA – As the provincial election draws to a close, Conservative Party of B.C. leader John Rustad is making a last push to appeal to voters by denying everything he’s ever said that they think is crazy while affirming everything he’s ever said that they agree with.
“It was a misunderstanding when I agreed with someone calling for public health officials to be put on trial in a ‘Nuremberg 2.0’. I can’t say what I thought I was agreeing to, because I still haven’t come up with a good answer to that question,” Rustad said at a campaign event on Wednesday. “But if you agree that public health officials should be put on trial because you think vaccine mandates are comparable to or worse than genocide, well then, I do too, and always have.”
Rustad, a 20 year veteran of B.C. politics, is a vaccine and climate change skeptic who has recently come to the conclusion that he might get more votes if he sounds saner than the uncle you had to block on Facebook because he kept sharing AI generated images of drowning children that he’s certain prove the existence of the “New World Order”.
“Have I ever said that the Earth is flat? Maybe. I don’t know, I say a lot of things. Does it bother you if I ever said that? Then I have never said that,” Rustad continued. “Do you think the Earth is a frisbee flinging its way across the galaxy, possibly on the back of a turtle? Then I agree with you, it probably is, and everyone who thinks differently has been brainwashed by a liberal education system that I vow to destroy.”
“Unless you like B.C.’s education system as it is, in which case none of the extensive reforms I’ve proposed will change it in any way that bothers you personally.”
Rustad has been aided in his attempts to ensure his party appeals to both centrists and far-right conspiracy theorists by the unending revelations of deranged stances from B.C. Conservative candidates on issues ranging from 5G to mass shootings, stances that Rustad can claim he disapproves of while not taking any actions (such as expelling those candidates) that would indicate he actually disapproves of those stances.
At press time, even Rustad was starting to question if he even needs to keep walking back all the crazy shit he and other members of his party have said because almost half of B.C. voters don’t seem to care if the province is run by people utterly divorced from reality.
