OSHAWA, ON – As Canada’s federal government lifts COVID-19 vaccine mandates for domestic travel, allowing unvaccinated people on planes and trains, everyone’s least favorite uncle, Gary, has informed his extended family that he will, in fact, be flying in from Alberta and attending the summer reunion.
While the lifting of travel mandates have been met with cheers by some, members of the Filton family have voiced their specific, Gary-related, reservations.
“I don’t care if he’s my grandson, tell him to stay the hell away from me,” stated family matriarch Gertrude Filton. “I don’t want to hear some conspiracy about vaccines and modern medicine, I’m 85 years old. I’m only alive because of modern medicine and vaccines.”
Added Gertrude, “I didn’t have time for that bullshit when when my dumb friend Kathy decided not to get vaccinatted for polio and ended up in an iron lung, and I certainly don’t have time for it now.”
Recently, several members of the Filton family eagerly shared and enjoyed mocking Gary’s recent Facebook posts blaming “TURDeau the dictator” for American COVID restrictions that prevented him from flying to an MMA tractor pull in Alabama. As of yesterday’s announcement by the Ministry of Intergovernmental Affairs, those same Filtons are no longer laughing.
“Usually we make up an excuse to ‘forget’ to invite Gary,” explained reunion organizer Linda Filton-Cruz. “But this year with the mandates we thought we’d seize the opportunity to create plausible deniability that we actually wanted him there.”
“I guess now we’re all the ones who are made at Trudeau,” added Linda, gravely.
Many across the country support lifting the mandates, whereas others feel rising cases and overtaxed emergency rooms indicate a need to keep travel restrictions – however the entire non-Gary population of the Filton family report unanimous agreement on how this will negatively impact the reunion.
“Listen, that dipshit’s allowed to make whatever decisions about his body that he wants,” stated Gary’s own brother, Dave Filton of Halifax. “But if he compares himself to ‘Rosa Parks’ one more time, I swear I will punch him in the face. And I’ll wear a goddamn mask while I do it.”
In a strange coincidence, several Filtons who previously said they could attend the reunion have suddenly reported commitments that prevent them from coming. Several have reported plans to catch up with relatives at “a reunion”, just not any reunion that Gary is able to fly unmasked on a plane and attend.
At press time Uncle Gary has reassured all reunion attendees that if he wasn’t going to let vaccine and mask mandates stop him from living his life, he certainly won’t let this cough and slight fever stop him from flying there either.
