BRISBANE – Announced for the year 2032, Brisbane, Australia has been selected to become the next unfortunate city to be blighted with the unholy curse that is hosting the Olympic Games.
Despite long moonlit rituals and countless warding spells, the plague of the Summer Olympics will be invading Brisbane in 2032. The uncontested bid doomed thousands of innocent Australian people to a decade of unwavering construction, bad traffic, and the unyielding stink of future good sportsmanship hanging in the air.
“We gotta build all that shit, mate,” groaned city planner Barbara Lopez. “And then when it’s over, that abandoned stadium’ll fill up with rats and garbage and stuff. And it’s Australia, so the rats beget snakes, which beget the big fucking spiders that only eat snakes. And next thing you know, Brisbane is known internationally as Snake Eating Spider Town.”
Many Australians have been desperately plotting ways to lift the extremely preventable curse, but all of the things that you’d think would put a halt to an international sporting event – civil rights violations, labor disputes, the oppression of Indigenous peoples – have been met with indifference by the IOC.
“We’ve tried eye of newt, blood of kangaroo, and hair of Kylie Minogue, but no sacrifice has appeased the IOC,” explained Lopez. “We even gave all of our koalas chlamydia. No dice.”
Meanwhile, fools and cretins have argued that the international blood-spilling ritual known as the Olympics will be a huge boon for Brisbane’s tourism sector, drawing thousands of spectators to the small Australian city to watch Russian teenagers rip their ACLs in 8 separate places.
“Think of it this way: we’ll be known as the Australian city that most recently hosted the Olympics, instead of just the first Australian city alphabetically!” enthused hotelier Tori Meeks, forgetting about Adelaide.
But the long-term outlook is much grimmer. Studies suggest that cities brave enough to hold Satan’s most sacrosanct athletic event often enter insurmountable debt while spending millions on Olympic preparedness, and that profit windfalls are often short-lived.
“Putting aside the IOC’s well-documented corruption, and their unforgivable treatment of Black women athletes, I’d like to meet even one person who’s gone to Sochi post-2014,” Barbara Lopez exclaimed in exasperation. “Just one. Sochi?! Girl. There’s simply no way.”
Still, some God-fearing Olympics simps are hoping that the crushing yoke of a high profile international sports competition will work out just fine for them.
“You’re telling me we’re congregating the world’s most athletic hotties to be hot and athletic in public together?” Exclaimed Brisbane business owner Mike Richards. “I see that as nothing but a win for my business, which is a bespoke high performance lube emporium.”
