How to continue feeling superior to Americans while watching them get the vaccine months before you - The Beaverton

How to continue feeling superior to Americans while watching them get the vaccine months before you

If there is one thing that has sustained through the tough times of the last year, as well as the tough times of literally every year before that, it’s our ardent belief that we are better than our neighbours to the south. But now that all adult are set to be vaccinated by May while Canadians are just hoping to be able to resume 6 feet apart social distance hangs by then, that idea may be tough to cling on to. But don’t you worry my wannabe smug Canadian friends! Here’s how to keep up our insufferable air of superiority in the face of their vaccination rates.

Bring Up As Much As Possible

They had a game show host President! Who nearly got re-elected even after doing a bunch of terrible, racist, crazy shit. So what if, in a couple months, they’re going to be going out to dinner, throwing parties and having sex with humans instead of throw pillows again? They’re still the country that elected that guy. Remember his hair? Oh man, what a stupid country. Thank god we don’t live there.

Watch ‘Meanwhile In Canada’ videos

If you start feeling down about the fact that our country’s lack of production and inept co-ordination between the federal and provincial governments means we’ll be lucky to see our parents by Christmas, boy do I have the solution for you! There is a gold mine of pro-Canada porn on youtube and facebook that describes our country as the liberal haven America only wishes it could be. In these videos we don’t have institutional racism in our police forces like THEY do, we have cops breakdancing! We don’t have corrupt, inept or horrible politicians, we have sexy 2015 era Justin ! These videos are perfect for deluding you about your own country, and they will help take up the hours and hours you will be stuck at home with nothing to watch.

Consume Only American News

Have you seen that Texas just abandoned any protocols? How about the voter suppression efforts happening all over the states? If you spend all your days only reading American news you’ll become an expert on just how fucked that country is, all the while knowing nothing about the Liberals abandoning pharmacare, or Erin O’Toole embracing a ‘Canada First’ approach to governing. We know you’re probably doing this anyway but hey, a little reminder never hurts!

Become An Anti-Vaxxer

Quickest way to ignore the fact that America is objectively doing better than Canada at vaccinating it’s population? Convince yourself that’s because Big Pharma controls the U.S. government, and they’re allowing their citizens to be poisoned by a vaccine that contains a software update meant to control their minds. Now who’s winning you hicks?!

 

Once you’ve taken these 4 steps you’ll never need to confront your own insecurities about being from a relatively small, unimportant country that is only doing a mediocre job of dealing with the COVID pandemic ever again. Congrats! Now go share some video of something bad happening in America with the caption ‘this would never happen in Canada’.