TORONTO, ONT – Local parents Jillian and Frank Moore have sent their child to private school with the hope that they end up at the same Canadian universities as everyone else.
“Education is so important,” stated Jillian Moore, mother of 17 year old Tristan Moore who is in his final year at an esteemed private highschool. “That’s why we paid over $100,000 to ensure Tristan had an education comparable to the public school system. It may sound like a lot of money and yeah, he’ll go to Queens with everyone else but will everyone else get early admission?”
According to guidance counselor Ms.Benjamina Wilde, who has worked in both the public and private systems, admissions officers find applicants with private education listed on their curriculum vitae to be more attractive. “Universities want to ensure students can keep up with the demand of the coursework, be future leaders, and, in the case of longstanding institutions, uphold the tradition of intellectual elitism. Since private school students have been doing it all their life they are just better primed for it!”
In an article released by Maclean’s, parents who want their children to grow up without the social skills to deal with anyone outside their gender expression, social-economic bracket, or race, should turn to the private school system. The combination of a high-pressure environment created by the small class sizes, the homogeneity of their peers, and teachers who are not required to be certified but must be white, are ideal for students to develop a competitive edge when applying for the same post-secondary education that any student in Canada can apply for.
“Plus, Tristan’s private education was based in Catholicism,” added Frank Moore, father of Tristan. “So he was instilled with a superiority complex at a young age that will carry him through to University and ensure he has next to no empathy for the poors.”
“No matter where I go,” exclaimed Tristan, earnestly. “I’m looking forward to attributing all my success, not to my hard work, talent, or intelligence but to my parents’ wealth!”
At press time, Tristan has decided to become a plumber.