TORONTO – Under fire for changing COVID standards to unsafe levels, Premier Doug Ford has announced a new threshold for when his government will finally impose greater restrictions: exactly one case more than whatever we currently have.
“It’s very simple. If we have 6500 new cases in a day, then the threshold we need to hit to close indoor dining and gyms will be 6501,” said Ford. “If we hit 6501 then it will be 6502. And so on and so on.”
“We feel this is much simpler and easier to understand than the current colour system,” he added.
The government announced the new system after careful discussions with business leaders, real estate developers and that weird muscular guy who keeps hosting anti-mask protests/dance parties on the streets of Toronto.
“We need to accept that this virus isn’t going away. And we need a flexible system to constantly adjust so we never have to actually do anything to make it go away,” said Health Minister Christine Elliott.
Some critics are concerned the ‘one more’ system will allow the virus to run rampant and cause numerous deaths throughout the province, although Ford has promised them that they will definitely blame the federal government when that happens.
The Ford government has also announced a new benefits plan for people struggling financially during the pandemic called 100% less than whatever they need.
