OTTAWA – After spending 16 hours and 15 minutes per day on your phone last week early reports from your iPhone screen time alert indicate that number is down to a marginally less alarming 14 hours a day.
When reached for comment Patty Hadju, the Minister of Health said, “We still have a long way to go but these numbers are encouraging. At 14 hours a day you are well under the national average.” When pressed further the Minister was unresponsive as she was playing Words With Friends on her iPhone.
The phenomenon appears to be at its peak during what experts are referring to as the “awake in bed hours”. The time between 11am-5pm and again from 9pm-3am when the human body is at its most horizontal. It’s during those times that data shows the highest spike in googling “Covid-19 cases America” and whispering “what the fuck” to yourself.
“At this point I just send a text if I have any information I need to communicate with him” says your live-in partner. Their current location appears to be directly beside you if you would like to look up and engage with them.
Among many other activities the 14 hours a day was spent seeing the albums that influenced people with zero musical ability and fielding emails from concerned fast food companies in these uncertain times. Followed by watching dance videos on Tik Tok (it should be noted only 30% of those videos are made by people young enough to be on Tik Tok). Before dinner you research new recipes and then immediately start scrolling through food delivery apps.
It should be noted 14 hours does not in any way include the time spent on your laptop, tablet, or other devices. Officials suggest books and exercise to cut down on this time but recognize that you’re probably just gonna turn off the alert.