WASHINGTON D.C. – In the midst of a tariff dispute with Canada, the Trump admin has moved to escalate the conflict by demanding all American grocery stores and restaurant refer to the cut of pork known as ‘Canadian Bacon’ by its new name: ‘Cuck Ham.’
“Why should we continue to honour our biggest geopolitical enemy by letting their name ring out on eggs benedicts across the land,” said trade advisor Peter Navarro. “This is the kind of tough action on trade that the previous administration was afraid to take.”
America has a long history of using food names to influence political decisions, like when they changed french fries to freedom fries to punish France for refusing to go to war in Iraq, or called english muffins Fop Carbs during the Revolutionary War.
“From now on Canadians will have to live with the shame of knowing their favourite pig based breakfast item is forever associated with the concept of another man having sex with your wife,” added Navarro, who appeared to be unaware that Canadians call it back bacon or peameal bacon, not Canadian Bacon.
The name was chosen after a weekend spent brainstorming options. Other replacement names that were considered, but discarded, included ‘Trudeau’s not actually that good looking bacon’ ‘Fuck Hockey Pork’ and ‘Soy Boy Loin.’