WASHINGTON DC – Following another chemical weapons attack in the region, Western countries have intervened on behalf of Syria’s civilian population to ensure that the bombings there return to regular, conventional weapons.
“The information we have confirms that the Assad regime has crossed the red line of using chemical weapons,” said President Trump in an interview for PBS. “We will use force to hold the Syrian government accountable for not killing its citizens the right way.”
Trump added that he hopes the airstrikes demonstrate to Assad and his government the correct way to brutally murder hundreds of innocent people.
“It will be a source of great strength, having the free world’s strongest powers here, ready to further obliterate our infrastructure at a moment’s notice,” said Syrian Opposition spokesman Khaled Saleh via satellite telephone. “That will surely show our people how much the West supports us.
British Prime Minister Theresa May provided some details on how using normal, laser-guided bombs on ordinary Syrians would help protect them against non-conventional arms like sarin gas.
“Increasingly, we’re learning that a human being cannot be harmed by chemical agents if they have already been vapourized by huge explosions,” said May. “Checkmate, Assad.”
At press time, Russia was hastily preparing its own airstrikes before the US gets all the best civilian targets.
