OTTAWA – Canada is experiencing extremely high COVID-19 rates this summer, and health officials across the country have responded by alerting Canadians to the heightened risk of sunburn whi…
Tag: public health
End of COVID celebrated by blasting immunocompromised people out of circus cannons
TORONTO – Grateful Canadians are gathering each evening to celebrate the conclusion of the deeply unpopular COVID-19 pandemic with the 7:00 pm launch of immunocompromised people from circus…
Ontario schools to notify parents about Covid exposures only if child’s head lice contracts virus
OTTAWA – Ontario’s Ministry of Health outlined back-to-school Covid-19 policies for teachers, students, and parents on Monday, explaining that moving forward, parents will only be notified …
Alberta’s COVID restrictions to continue for six more weeks after Jason Kenney sees his shadow
EDMONTON – Alberta’s contentious plan to lift all its COVID restrictions in the middle of a new wave of infections brought on by the Delta variant has been postponed for six weeks after Pre…
BC apologizes for poor communication, says next pop-up vaccine clinic can be found “when moon and sun intertwine, where waters meet mountain’s spine”
VANCOUVER — After poor communication this week left dozens of people waiting hours for vaccines they would never get, BC Health Minister Adrian Dix formally apologized during the province’s lates…
“My, how you’ve grown,” report nation’s wolves-in-grandma’s clothes
OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them. “Uh why are my ears so…
Public health officials warn against seasonal gatherings of ten or more lords a-leaping
OTTAWA – As the holidays approach and cases of COVID-19 continue to rise, the Public Health Agency of Canada has urged citizens to limit social events this season to less than ten lords, especial…
Fuckable Canadians exempted from new mask recommendation
OTTAWA – Canada’s chief public health officer officially recommended this week that non-sexy Canadians wear face masks when they are unable to maintain a two meter physical distance f…