OTTAWA – Ontario’s Ministry of Health outlined back-to-school Covid-19 policies for teachers, students, and parents on Monday, explaining that moving forward, parents will only be notified about potential Covid-19 exposures if their child’s head lice test positive.
“I assure you, we are taking this very seriously,” expressed Health Minister Christine Elliott, gesturing to a PowerPoint presentation featuring a picture of a sad louse on a ventilator. “We have a zero-risk policy towards the lives of your children’s head lice. That is why you will be informed immediately if even a single beautiful bug is exposed to a virus that has killed over five million human beings so far.”
“Our number one priority is getting your kids back in schools and making those schools as safe for their lice as possible.”
When asked for his input, Doug Ford proudly stated that he was personally working on creating tiny, louse-sized N95 masks.
“I’m telling you, folks, these bugs are going to want for nothing,” he explained. “Stephen Lecce and I are also working on a comprehensive rapid testing plan for any louse who needs one. Heck, we’re even considering giving them two weeks paid sick leave! But I’ll confirm that after this year’s election.”
Mother of three school-aged children, Pamela White, expressed nothing but gratitude for the government’s bold stance.
“Thank god the people in charge of this province have finally got their priorities right,” she enthused. “I don’t care if my kid gets Covid at school, but their head lice? It would be a tragedy if everyone else in the class weren’t informed and able to make their own choices concerning the safety of those precious, tiny parasites.”
When asked for their opinion, teachers across the province stared blankly into the distance and chugged an entire fifth of whisky.