Etobicoke, ON – As capacity limits and other public health limits are lifted throughout Ontario, the owners of Geralds Koffee Korner are no longer able to blame lockdowns for their complete…
Tag: lockdown
Local man who hasn’t started Christmas shopping betting it all on Omicron lockdown
GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue …
Doug Ford to re-open all of Ontario as long as everyone super pinky-swears to stop spreading COVID-19
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has relented to public pressure and permitted the re-opening of most major municipal centres so long as the population commits to a pinky-swear en m…
Toronto roommates stuck together for another lockdown decide to finally kill Trevor
TORONTO – Local roommates Deborah Maine, Josh Goodman, and Keith Smith have decided to get around to killing their fourth roommate Trevor Lewin after learning they are all stuck with him fo…
Ford: we thought having a confusing mess of vaccine registration sites would give people in lockdown something to do
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford defended the shambolic vaccine registration process this morning, noting it gives Ontarians stuck at home something to spend all their time doing. “All pandemic …
Albertans pleasantly surprised that only 17 of their representatives admit to wanting them dead
EDMONTON – After 17 members of Jason Kenney’s government signed a letter opposing his latest lockdown, Albertans were relieved to discover that the number of MLAs who would explicitly sacrifice t…
April Jason Kenney refuses to give in to the radical agenda of February Jason Kenney
EDMONTON – In a press conference on Alberta’s latest COVID spike, Premier Jason Kenney vowed that the province would not enter another lockdown no matter how often extremists like the Jason Kenne…
Doug Ford blames Ontario youth for creating such ineffectual lockdown rules
TORONTO — As Ontario enters its third official lockdown of the pandemic, many are calling the new lockdown measures confusing, ineffectual, and almost no different than what they were befor…
Merriam Webster scrambles to keep up with Ford’s definition of “shutdown”
Springfield, MA — It was all hands on deck at dictionary-maker Merriam Webster’s head office as employees worked to create a new definition of “shutdown” following Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s ann…
This baby born in quarantine is 38 now
TORONTO – Local baby, Richard Henderson, born shortly after the first Ontario COVID-19 shutdown, just celebrated his 38th birthday. Henderson, who now suffers from male pattern baldness and…