TORONTO — As Ontario enters its third official lockdown of the pandemic, many are calling the new lockdown measures confusing, ineffectual, and almost no different than what they were before. Premier Doug Ford called a press conference earlier today to express his severe disappointment with the rules and lay the blame squarely at the feet of the young people of Ontario who created them.
“Listen, friends, if it were up to me, we would be shutting everything down, and I mean everything,” he said, shaking his head. “But it’s not up to me. It’s up to the irresponsible young people of Ontario. It’s their job to listen to the doctors and scientists. It’s their job to save the fragile economy. And they have let us all down.”
“Not only have they caused cases to skyrocket with all their partying and reckless sexual adventures in between shifts at the grocery store, but to have the gall to call these measures an “emergency break” when most of them can’t even drive yet is just unacceptable.”
Ford assured the public that young people were also to blame for the disastrous conditions in long term care facilities, the previous two lockdowns, and the fact that the new shutdown rules served no one but old rich, white people such as themselves.
“What’s still open right now?” he pointed out. “Condo development and golf courses. And what do the youth love most? Condos and playing the back nine with their business buddies on the weekends. It’s completely irresponsible, friends. If only I had the power to do something about it. But I definitely don’t, and never have this entire time.”
“I’m just sick of driving around and seeing large groups of young people gathered in groups, ignoring scientific consensus and making decisions reactively instead of actually taking the time to plan and prepare in a way that protects our most vulnerable.”
When pressed for details about why children were still attending in-person school, Ford explained that it was necessary so that “They could really put their heads together and figure this mess out.”