EDMONTON – In a press conference on Alberta’s latest COVID spike, Premier Jason Kenney vowed that the province would not enter another lockdown no matter how often extremists like the Jason Kenney from February argued that one would be necessary.
“While the small business hating socialist that was me two months ago said that a threshold in variant case numbers would trigger a lockdown, I want to make it clear to Albertans that I will not give in to the fringe suggestions of my exact words,” Kenney said. “As your premier, it is my duty to reject the whimsical ideas of the Office of the Premier.”
In responding to questions on the abrupt policy change, Kenney argued that it was foolish to live in the distant, half-remembered past of several weeks ago. He then added, “I believe it was Einstein who said that it’s insane to move on from what isn’t working, because you’ll look pretty darn stupid if your new idea doesn’t pan out either.”
“Variants are winning because a growing number of Albertans are not practicing personal responsibility,” Kenney continued. “And while the Jason Kenney that was may have thought strong leadership would be a necessary response, the Jason Kenney that is sees a clear path forward in begging you all to just please be good this time. For God’s sake, you’re making Doug Ford look better than me.”
“If we mess up Easter, I may or may not be forced to announce a plan that I may or may not execute. So think about that when you’re having gatherings I sometimes told you to maybe think about possibly not having.”
Kenney concluded the press conference with an extensive philosophical lecture on the transitory nature of the self, along with a prediction that June Jason Kenney would dismiss everything he’d just said.