TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford has announced that he will review claims of nepotism by his government along with a crack team of friends and family members. Ford explained that the public can …
Tag: Featured Post
US Supreme Court rules bricking people up in wine cellars is legal as long as it’s done for partisan purposes
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a 5 to 4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled today that while it remains illegal to lure people down to wine cellars, basements or catacombs and bury them alive behin…
Raptors sweeten offer to Kawhi Leonard with 500 MB of data on Canadian cell phone plan
TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Raptors have offered free agent Kawhi Leonard 500 MB on his Canadian cell phone plan if he signs with the team for another season. “We’re w…
Quiz: Do you trust priests again, or are you watching Fleabag Season 2?
As summer approaches it’s important for many to take spiritual stock in what one believes. The current political climate would suggest that returning to popular religions such as Catholicism may …
Quebec law requires all circumcised government workers to wear secular foreskin covers
QUEBEC CITY – All circumcised men in positions of authority within the province of Quebec are now legally compelled to wear an artificial foreskin cover in the workplace. An overlooked regu…
Update: Fuck hockey
TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada. Despite hundreds of billions of hours the …
Local woman adds additional book on productivity to impressive collection of half-read books on productivity
TORONTO – After a shopping trip to the Eaton Centre earlier today, Michelle Johnson returned home with yet another book on productivity to add to her already vast collection of never finish…
Trump announces tariff on Canada’s three-pointers
OAKLAND, CA – US President Donald Trump has issued trade sanctions against all of Canada’s three-pointers. The President applied Section 232 Trade Expansion Act which slapped a one-point fi…
Report: Laptop tired of staying up until 3am every night
TORONTO – According to reports, Stephanie McGrath’s laptop simply can’t keep up with her late nights, most often consisting of google searches such as “Tilda Swinton how old” and Buzzfeed q…
Man who waited in line for three days to get into Jurassic Park horrified to discover he can just watch game at home
TORONTO – Local man Jerome Dobbins, who has been waiting in line to get into Toronto’s famed Raptors viewing party square since Saturday at 9am, was shocked and quite frankly furious to dis…
