York U plan to end violence against women on campus: stop admitting female students
TORONTO – In response to a rash of violent sexual assaults against women students at York University’s Keele Campus in 2012, the school’s President Mamdouh Shoukri claims the institution ha…
Man, who would have thought me playing Abraham Lincoln would have generated all this awards talk?
By Daniel Day-Lewis I have just been told that my performance as Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States of America, has been and will continue to be receiving a number of awards fro…
King Richard III’s skeleton given as trophy to descendants of family who killed him
LEICESTER, ENGLAND – Family members of the descendants that brutally cut down King Richard III during the Battle of Bosworth Field were ecstatic to receive the 561-year-old monarch’s skeleton as …
Groundhog sees Jungian shadow, predicts everlasting winter of the soul
WIARTON, ON – Meteorologists were flabbergasted today when Wiarton Willie, the popular weather rodent, emerged from his burrow and was frightened by the sight of the dark, undesirable aspec…
Newfoundland spelling bee impossible to judge
ST JOHN’S, NL – A national spelling bee contest held in Newfoundland was cancelled this morning when judges deemed it was too difficult to determine what letters were being said aloud. “Hal…
Steven Harper commissions detailed report on human emotion
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has called on his council of Cabinet members to provide him with a detailed report on human emotion. Included in the request made earlier in the week,…
New Blackberry 10 allows users dozens of new ways to communicate about how shitty their Blackberry is
NEW YORK – Amid both fanfare and speculation about the device’s future, Research in Motion unveiled their new Blackberry 10 operating platform on Wednesday. The system, which will be availa…
