Local man creates world peace by flipping Risk board
Bancroft, ON – After hours of strife and heartache, Milton Meagher put an end to senseless slaughter of lives and global total warfare by flipping the Risk board upon which he and his warlord co…
Pretentious stereotypes in Arcade Fire force audiences to dress up as pretentious stereotypes
MONTREAL – In a move designed to break down the wall between performers and their audience, the hipster clichés in Arcade Fire have announced that their fans will have to dress up as hipste…
Kinky vegan wants to be treated like a piece of meat-flavoured tofu
VANCOUVER – Hanna Morency, 37-years-old, has a fantasy to be sexually humiliated and degraded to the point of being morally equal to processed soy that imitates but not quite duplicates une…
University of Guelph: The Beaverton University Reviews
Name: University of Guelph Nickname: Ol’ MacDonald had a University. Motto: “We take field trips literally” History: Well shoot, if it ain’t a whole pack of university-bound rascals lookin’ for s…
YouTube Commenter mourns the loss of his freedom to anonymously post “PENIS”
Bismarck, ND – Jason Friedman was shaken by the discovery that his hard-earned freedom to post inflammatory comments under an assumed name had been revoked by YouTube. Friedman, the troll f…
University of British Columbia: The Beaverton University Reviews
Name: University of British Columbia Nickname: Ol’ Oh God Maybe This Earthquake Will Turn Out To Be The Big One Motto: ‘I’ve got some psilocybin, you’ve got some woods behind your house, what are…
Americans celebrate National Consumer Stampede Day
Richmond, VA – Embracing their capitalist roots, Americans have kicked off National Consumer Stampede Day with frenzied riots at department stores across the country. Thousands of people wa…
Local teen takes a stand against ageism by not offering 83 year-old seat on bus
MONTREAL – Public transit officials are congratulating 16-year-old Harrison Grady for standing up against age discrimination by not giving up his seat to octogenarian Edith Perkins when she hobbl…
Report: Hanukkah is 8 days long to allow for alternate spellings
NEW YORK – Judaism’s oldest mystery was solved on Wednesday when the Rabbinical Council revealed that Hanukkah is 8 days long to accommodate all of the holiday’s potential english spellings…
Police background check clears Bryzgalov to work with children, Edmonton Oilers
EDMONTON – Part-time goalie and full-time astronomer Ilya Bryzgalov is now able to make his first start for the Edmonton Oilers, after a police background check cleared him to play with Chi…
