RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of like ...
Local man manages to turn belch into words ‘I love you’
WINDSOR, ON – Shortly after the Chinese take-out dinner he ordered in celebration of his wife’s birthday, local man Bryce Mulwich has managed to turn an enormous burp into the words ‘I love you’...
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio Olymp...
Idiot dock-side vendor selling priceless seashell art for only $16.99
TAMPA, FL – Canadian tourists returning from summer vacation report that one rube souvenir vendor in Tampa is selling priceless art for $20 or less. “The guy told us himself that this blue...
No one in social media strategy meeting actually knows how Snapchat works
Florenceville, NB – Attendees at a media strategy session for the McCain Foods company reported enthusiasm over plans to expand awareness to teens using the app Snapchat, despite absolutely no o...
Tinder profile picture just manages to frame out gaping wound
SASKATOON – Tim Cordwell, active user of popular dating app Tinder, is satisfied with his new profile picture, which just manages to frame out a horrific injury he recently sustained. “Ah, this ...
Toronto driver sees each day as opportunity to shout at someone new
TORONTO – BMW driver Troy Landau says he has discovered the secret to a long life, viewing each day as a gift in which he has the chance to scream profanities at somebody he has never screamed a...
Microhome purchaser looking forward to life in immobile trailer
SUDBURY — Recent microhome purchaser, Tom Pederson says he is looking forward to life in his tiny house that cannot move anywhere. “I’m thrilled to be a part of the tiny home movement,” Pederson said ...
Co-worker on maternity leave probably at fucking Six Flags right now
OTTAWA – Employees at Ace One consulting were collectively fuming at co-worker Vanessa Clay, the recipient of a whole two months of mat leave that’s she’s probably using to hang out at awesome a...
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette, eve...
