Scalia declared dead in most popular ruling of his career
CIBOLO CREEK RANCH, TX – U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was ruled dead by officials in west Texas this weekend, in what experts and colleagues agree is unquestionably the most popular …
Vince Carter skips NBA All-Star tribute to attend master’s graduation ceremony
TORONTO, ON — Vince Carter has decided to attend his master’s graduation ceremony instead of NBA All Star tribute, because “it’s the most Vinsanity thing to do.” “It was my dream to slam du…
Blue-collar NBA players scoff at elitism of All-Star Game
TORONTO – NBA players across North America have taken issue with what they perceive as unqualified elitism at the league’s annual All-Star Game, arguing that the event only widens the gap b…
Makers of cinnamon hearts surprised people still eating them
TORONTO — Cinnamon heart producers were shocked to discover this week that many consumers of the red heart drops are actually eating the product, sometimes compulsively. “To clarify, the he…
Toronto looking to take relationship with Drake to next level
TORONTO – Things appeared to be getting serious between chart-topping musician Aubrey Drake Graham and Toronto this Friday after Mayor John Tory announced that he would be providing Drake with a …
JK Rowling announces 2016 release of new Harry Potter book “The Costly Beachside Villa”
SAINT TROPEZ, FRANCE – Author JK Rowling surprised fans Harry Potter this week with the announcement of a 2016 release for the 8th installment of her beloved series, entitled “The Costly Beachsid…
Getting fired from Concordia third highest-paying job in Montreal
MONTREAL — In light of former Concordia CFO Sonia Trudel’s $235,000 severance package after a work period of just 90 days, “Getting Fired From Concordia” has officially ranked as the third …
Civil servants deployed to Iraq to train others in passive-aggressive conflict resolution
OTTAWA — The federal government has announced it will be deploying some 500 civil servant trainers to Iraq to teach their Iraqi counterparts in skills in unassertive forms of procrastinatio…
Sidewalks furious over new walksharing app
TORONTO, ON – Following the release of Strollr, the new walksharing app by the creators of Uber, sidewalks across the city have expressed discontent, claiming that the app undermines their …
Woman sensually undresses all dressed chips
PARIS — Yesterday, seated before a roaring fire in a spacious hotel room, local woman Julie Chambers, slowly and ever so tenderly, undressed a bag of all dressed chips as though for the first tim…
