OTTAWA – Following a disappointing lack of innovation in both the flora and fauna sectors, Environment Minister Catherine McKenna has requested additional federal funds to improve Canada’s current wildlife.
“The USA spent over $70 billion upgrading its wildlife infrastructure last year,” said McKenna. “Meanwhile we’re still relying on oak trees that were in use during the 1800s.”
McKenna says that Canada has fallen behind the rest of the world on updating some of our more popular animals. While Canada flounders, several European nations already have access to micro-pigeons, Snake Mk. II (now with legs), and a more accurate groundhog that comes fully-loaded with a thermometer, barometer, and Master’s in meteorology.
“If we’re going to remain a world leader in environmental policy then we cannot rely on this ancient technology,” explained McKenna. “It’s time to bring nature into the 21st century. Just look at how Brazil revolutionized the sloth by adding a simple V6 engine.”
McKenna then unveiled her three-year plan, which sets aside research funds for the development of a laser-guided moose, the all-terrain sparrow, and Invisi-bear.
However, not all are convinced that the program will be a success.
“We at the Conservative party are all for playing God,” argued interim party leader Rona Ambrose. “But we take exception to yet another Liberal government instituting useless welfare handouts just to build animals like the warp panda, metawalrus, and horse-that’s-also-a-jet. I mean, what has nature ever done for us?”
At press time, Atlantic Canada was still under the control of Cod-zilla.