Israel pulls back West Bank settlements after McGill student union BDS vote
TEL AVIV — After hearing about McGill’s student society’s vote to support the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions Movement against Israel, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has ordere…
Bernie Sanders supporters furious that cat food commercial fails to mention Bernie Sanders
Supporters of democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders have declared all-out online warfare against Purina One Smartblend cat food after their new commercial “utterly neglected” to make a…
Local dad’s four shares plummeting
BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets…
Bald eagle wins America’s Got Talons for ninth straight season
NEW YORK – In a completely unsurprising development, Iggy, a 10-year-old bald eagle from a mangrove swamp in Florida, has once again emerged triumphant in the latest season of America’s Got…
Small-dicked Neo-Nazis proud they now much closer to resembling Hitler
REGINA – Neo-Nazis worldwide are rejoicing this week amid the revelation that Adolf Hitler, former genocidal Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945, had a micro-penis. The celebrations come as a re…
Tories blast Liberal budget for not having imaginary surplus
OTTAWA — Interim Conservative Leader Rona Ambrose is blasting the governing Liberals for a reckless budget that proposes no theoretical federal surplus. “Running an acknowledged deficit onc…
Study finds 70% of nation just spares
BURNABY, B.C. – A nationwide study at Simon Fraser University has revealed that 70% of all Canadians are just spares in case some of the other 30% stop working or aren’t available. “Let’s s…
Jeb Bush drops out of race to spend more time with gun
COLUMBIA, S.C. – Following a fourth place finish in the South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush has ended his run for the Republican nomination citing his desire to put in some quality time with his new…
City of Toronto allows bed bugs on TTC as part of plan to make Toronto New York
TORONTO – Mayor John Tory conceded yesterday that city workers had planted bedbugs on the 501 Queen Streetcar in an effort to bring a little more New York City grit to the Six. “There’s a feeling…
