Michael Chan accused of holding office while being non-white
TORONTO – Earlier this week CSIS accused Michael Chan, the Ontario Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and International Trade, of holding office while not being white. “Sure, when we made…
Creative writing graduate now has skills to imagine job he’d be qualified for
WINDSOR – Following his convocation earlier this week, creative writing graduate Kyle Rapoport, 22, is using his refined expertise to pretend that there are jobs he could do. “The market ma…
Study: U.S. incarcerates higher percentage of population than prison planet 47-D56
WASHINGTON D.C. – A new study by the ACLU has determined that the United States of America imprisons more of its citizens on a per-capita basis than any state in the galaxy, including the r…
Local dad still doesn’t know how to operate Father’s Day gift
MISSISSAUGA – Danielle Norstrom has confirmed that after hours of “shouting and carrying on” the 2 terabyte portable media player and hard drive that their son Derek, 23, gave to her husban…
God orders recall of several million white men
HEAVEN – Citing easily damaged feelings, an ego that improperly inflates, and a tendency to dangerously explode for no reason, the All-Supreme Being has ordered a massive recall of white me…
Dad not too keen on sushi
OAKVILLE—Witnesses are reporting that despite being open to it if others feel strongly about it, Dad is not incredibly keen on going to the nearby sushi restaurant favored by his family. “It’s ju…
Non-magic school bus drives into volcano
Ol Doinyo Lengai, Tanzania – Disaster struck Monday morning as a tragically normal school bus and its occupants drove into an active volcano, causing the deaths of one teacher and nine ethn…
Struggling Illuminati closes 89 hidden sanctums around world
UNDER THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT, WASHINGTON, D.C. – After years of slumping influence over world affairs, the secretive power elite known as the Illuminati has closed dozens of mystery chambers, ro…
Panicked nation realizes it exhausted supply of Donald Trump jokes in 2012
WASHINGTON – Comedy experts have been placed on red alert following the surprise candidacy announcement of Donald Trump, upon whom America depleted its entire stockpile of Trump-related jok…
