John Tory vows to combat Toronto’s out-of-control Drowzee infestation

TORONTO – Declaring that the city’s Drowzee scourge can no longer be tolerated, Toronto Mayor John Tory vowed that he would take swift, decisive action against the problem. “We are aware of…

Brad Wall proud of Saskatchewan’s first pipeline that delivers oil straight to household taps

PRINCE ALBERT, SK — Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall beamed with pride to announce Canada’s first oil pipeline that will deliver unrefined crude oil via the Saskatchewan River to household ta…

Teenager reported lost for five years reappears playing Pokemon Go

MEDICINE HAT, AB – A teenager who was once reported lost for five years has reappeared staring at his cellphone playing Pokemon Go. Jason Waterfield was just 15 years old when the Medicine …

Man sticking up restaurant politely asks for Wi-Fi password

SUDBURY, ON – Shortly after producing a gun and screaming for everybody in the restaurant to get down on the ground, local armed robber Josh Radomsky is quietly asking servers for the Wi-Fi…

New Food Network show just Gordon Ramsay shouting at appliances

NEW YORK – Food Network has announced a new show to premiere this fall: This Is Shit!, which features Gordon Ramsay in various states of upset towards the appliances in his kitchen. “Oh, lo…

I was the first female nominee for president way before Hillary Clinton

By: Donald Trump There’s been a lot of talk about Hillary Clinton this week, and how she’s the first ever woman to be nominated for president of the United States of America.  Well I&…

LCBO offers at-home delivery through Canada Post for highly-organized alcoholics

TORONTO – Today the Liquor Control Board of Ontario announced that it would sell products online, available for delivery through Canada Post, in an effort to target well-organized alcoholic…

Canadian media pulls coverage of man killed by police after realizing he wasn’t American

OTTAWA – A day after the death of Abdirahman Abdi at the hands of police officers, Canadian media have pulled their coverage, realizing the incident did not take place in America. “Oh wait,…

For the last time, I’m not Max Von Sydow

By: Christopher Plummer I need to get something off my chest. It’s not a major bother, it’s not the end of the world, but after 60 years I just don’t want to have to say it again. I am not Max Vo…

For first time, Tim Hortons releases line of products low in radium

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s co…