Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities
TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies. As …
Studies show monsters mashing earlier every year due to climate change
VICTORIA – After an exhaustive overview of decades of data including eyewitness accounts, the majority of monster experts have reached the conclusion that climate change has led to a signif…
Partner demanding you put away phone during movie overestimates how much attention Enola Holmes requires
TORONTO – After a pausing the movie they began watching for the twelfth time, couple Samira Haggarty and Calvin Delaney broke out into an explosive fight over whether or not Haggarty could …
White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing they’re the good guys
Pubnico, NS – The group of fishermen who have been waging a campaign to stop Mi’kmaq fishermen from exercising their treaty rights to engage in lobster fishing are confident that if t…
Toronto Sun using $600 million media bailout to write lazy articles: Sources
TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Sun and several of its journalists and columnists are cashing in on a taxpayer-funded bailout to write lazy, clickbait articles instead of …
Trump hoping he just gets fired so he can at least collect unemployment
WASHINGTON, DC – Recent reports have confirmed that President Donald Trump is hoping to get fired so he can at least collect unemployment. “I don’t know how much longer here I’ve got. My boss is …
Entire population taking the same goddamned hike at the same goddamn time
GATINEAU, QC – Reports indicate that every goddamned person out there and their dog is taking the same hike you’re taking. Billions gathered at the trailhead as an alternative to indoor act…
GOP proves existence of election fraud by committing election fraud
LOS ANGELES – The California Republican Party has announced “smoking gun” evidence of statewide election fraud, the existence of which has been a cornerstone of GOP efforts to delegitimize …
Nova Scotia RCMP claim they’re not racist since they can’t protect white people either
DIGBY, NS – After being accused of racism for allowing white fishermen to destroy Indigenous lobster fisheries, the RCMP clarified that they can’t protect anyone regardless of race. “Whoa, …
“Somebody should call the police,” say NS RCMP officers watching van being torched
NEW EDINBURGH, NS – A group of RCMP officers watched helplessly as white lobster fisherman broke into an Indigenous fishery, vandalized property, and set fire to a van. Armed with semi-auto…
